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10 Gadgets Every Writer Doesn’t Need (But Should Definitely Keep Around)

10 Gadgets Every Writer Doesn’t Need (But Should Definitely Keep Around)

A few weeks ago I read an article about 10 gadgets every writer needs. Remaining true to my and my husband’s ancestors (mine were “Black Bumper” Mennonite, his Old Order Amish), I am going to flout those fandangled thingamabobs and write about 10 non-electrical gadgets every writer doesn’t need, but should definitely keep around.

1. Upside Down Machine (also known as an Inversion Table)

Go ahead–laugh at my picture, but if you’ve every suffered writer’s block, putting yourself on a rack is really quite mild compared to what your editor will do when your article or novel is not on his/her desk in time. The blood flow to the brain as a result of the inversion is really quite astounding (Shakespeare’s vernacular could probably be credited to such a device). Of course, I hope you’re aware that after inversion your head will resemble something from VeggieTales and your eyes like you’ve been riding a substance stronger than just literary euphoria.

Consider yourself forewarned.

2. Reading/Writing Glasses

The necessity for specs might be a result of the torrential blood flow from the Upside Down Machine, but each writer must choose between that smashing first paragraph or glaucoma. I know it’s hard but, like in The Matrix, the choice is entirely yours.

Glasses also legitimatize the author/authoress calling. Unless you’re Nicholas Sparks or Danielle Steel who sell their novels with an overabundance of muscles and hair, if you want to be taken seriously, you must stare out from your book jacket picture with two pairs of eyes.

3. Manicuring Scissors

When stuck on a paragraph, I often revert to my post-perm days in high school and whip out my manicuring set. With the swiftness of Edward Scissorhands attacking the town scrubbery, I can take my locks from Lady Gaga to Adam Lambert in two bad writing days flat.

Now, male authors, don’t write me off here. You too can benefit from having a manicuring set around, for it can double as weaponry. Whenever a well-meaning neighbor or family member tiptoes into your writing hovel to bring you bread, you can brandish your fingernail file or cuticle doohickey, twist your mouth and scream something that makes even the Phantom of the opera look placid.

Believe me, they won’t come around again unless they keep their hand at the level of their eyes.

4. A Hat

While making the Lady Gaga/Adam Lambert transition, a hat is a writer’s necessity. Plus, who has time to bathe when deadlines are looming? After a while we all might smell like death, but that doesn’t mean we have to look it. If you get you one a them big, Kentucky Derby numbers, people are forced to remain at a distance and will be unable to whiff your baking soda-soaked pits (for what starving artist can afford deodorant?). Also, wearing a vintage hat with a birdcage veil to mask ones sleep-deprived eyes makes one look very paparazzi-worthy, and what artist doesn’t like a little social media attention now and again?

Speaking of Lady Gaga, be sure to wear the birdcage veil only between her and the Adam Lambert transition, not when you’re resembling one or the other. Around my red neck of the woods, that’s asking for an old-fashioned beat down.

5. A Sponge

Okay, this might’ve been lifted from a certain show on NBC starring Steve Carrell, but it’s good advice. As writers, we are not only in touch with our emotions, but also the emotions of 10s of 1000s of characters. Because of this, tears are often shed while birthing the characters, while watching them grow into multi-dimensional beings, while forcing them to fall in love with the woman/man who’s in love with the character’s best friend. Then we shed tears — buckets of them — when we have to kill off our main character or our editor threatens to kill us.

For those like myself who’ve just started swimming in this piranha pool called the publishing world, just go ahead and buy stock in sponges. Duct tape those suckers to your eyeballs, and when you get excited thinking your book is going to be the next best thing since Fried Green Tomatoes and are about to squeeze out a tear or two in pre-Pulitzer celebration, you’ll already be prepared. Then when your tongue is fat from licking envelopes and your bank account skinny from the postage of query letters, you can sit back and use those sponges to mop your sweat until that certain SASE or e-mail comes.
And, believe me, when that certain SASE or e-mail comes — regardless of the answer that’s inside it — you’re gonna thank me for that stockpile of sponges.
But you really don’t have to.

I mean, naming your kid after me would be kinda nice. That way my name can get out there in one way or another….
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Comments

  • Chris P

    Jolina, I am proud to say that I have in fact brandished various objects at well-wishers and bread-bringers while in the throes of the writing process. My reading glasses stay either on my desk or atop my current novel of choice, and my fedora (because no man is complete without one) rests on one of my many bookcases, waiting for my next Indiana Jones-esque adventure . . . or simple outing to the library. I may not have a sponge, but I know where my towel is, and that, according to Douglas Adams, makes me a pretty frood dude.

    February 7, 2011
  • Jolina Petersheim

    Hey, Chris,
    I definitely wish I could've been a fly on that wall when you brandished weapons to ensure your writing privacy. I also love knowing that you possess a fedora (with a feather in the trim, I wonder?) and a towel if blood, sweat, or tears should ever arise. And, as we all know by now, during the writing procress all three pour from us like a flood. Thanks for reading and commenting, Chris. 🙂

    February 7, 2011
  • Mike Robertson

    Hey Jolina. I can only name one of my kids after you, right?

    February 8, 2011
  • Jolina Petersheim

    Hey, Mike,
    Don'tch you worry. I won't mind if you use a slight variation for every kid. Ex: Jo, Lina, Jo-Jo, Joy, ect, ect….

    February 8, 2011
  • marysuehobika

    I support your theory about a hat being something a writer should keep around. I always write with a hat on – I wear a ski hat in the winter and a baseball hat in the summer. It keeps the hair off of my face and I think of it as my “thinking cap.” I believe I do my best writing when I am wearing it.

    February 10, 2011
  • Jolina Petersheim

    Hi, Marysue,
    I'm glad to have found another writer who's a lover of hats! Plus, if this whole writing thing doesn't pan out, we can put on that ski cap and go hold up a bank. Just a thought.

    Thanks for reading and commenting, @onehippylitchick! 🙂

    February 10, 2011
  • eyeamImran

    i'm impressed by your upside-down reading skills. it's been a while since i've introduced my “brain/head coalition” with the extra blood. it's probably a vacation for some of the blood cells that usually never make it there. for me it's like a psychedelic experience. a flow of disconnected words, when i try to read immediately after. and THIS lack of meaning is sometimes refreshing.

    my favourite from you list of not required things is the sponge. dealing with so many character's emotions does get messy – cheers

    February 23, 2011
  • Jolina Petersheim

    Hey, eyeamlmran, I have to admit that the picture of me hanging upside down is staged (don't sue), but it would be interesting to see how text was interpreted if upside-down reading was possible. Perhaps this is how critics read? Anyway, thank YOU for reading, and keep using those sponges! 😉

    February 23, 2011
  • artistsroad

    Jolina, you mentioned another good entry in your discussion of sponges — duct tape.

    Patrick

    May 11, 2011
  • Jolina Petersheim

    Yeah, so we strap our hands to the laptop and get something done! 😉

    May 11, 2011
  • Misty Barrere

    Thanks for the laugh! I'm writing a summary DUE TODAY after I lost one in a computer crash – Literally. I tripped over the cord and it crashed to the floor. Summary on the fly can cause serious symptoms. You could include toilet paper.

    October 19, 2011
  • Jolina Petersheim

    Bless your heart, Misty! I actually dropped my computer two weeks ago, but thankfully I had heeded my husband's advice and backed up my work the day before. If I hadn't, I would've been right there with you. Hope all went well with your summary, and I'll be sure to add the toilet paper next time. 🙂

    October 20, 2011

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