Pregnancy Wardrobe Malfunction

Pregnancy Wardrobe Malfunction

Take a mighty good look at that picture, for it was not without effort that I wedged my twenty-seven week pregnant body into a blouse I purchased during Goodwill’s 50% off sale.

My first mistake was trying it on when I was only twelve weeks pregnant. I am usually thrifty, but even more so when I know I’m only going to be wearing the clothing for forty weeks.

Therefore, $2.49 seemed a decent price for the item. I didn’t think of the fact that, though the front portion of the blouse was roomie, it still had to be zipped up in the back.

Of course, this discovery happened on Sunday morning; the time of the week that is usually hectic in its own right as we all scramble to get spit-shined and ironed before sliding into the pew at church.

I didn’t panic right away when I put on the blouse and the zipper stuck halfway up my back. I could still breathe and move my arms (lack of mobility was sometimes a price I paid as an avid bargain hunter).

I just went out into the living room and asked my husband if he could pull the zipper up the rest of the way.

My husband, you must understand, is a scruffy mountain man with more paws than fingers. He tugged once on the tiny zipper and said, “It’s stuck.”

“It’s not stuck!” I cried and awkwardly put my arms behind my back and yanked to prove him wrong.

It was stuck.

However, my dear friend had just given me a pair of earrings that matched the blouse perfectly, and I was determined to wear both the earrings and the blouse. It was going to work.

I would make it work!

So I went into the bedroom and took off the blouse. I pulled it over my head fully zipped, figuring I could manhandle the material until it fit over my watermelon belly.

Then my arms became stuck in addition to my torso. My ribcage was being compressed, making it difficult to breathe. I tried pulling the blouse up and then down.

It wasn’t going anywhere.

I went into the living room again and wagged my trapped arms at my husband. “I need help,” I wheezed.

He laughed and then stopped when he saw my face. “Okay.” He turned me, pulling on the zipper, and declared, “Now it’s really stuck.”

Tears pricked my eyes, and I ran into the bedroom and flung myself—as best as I could without working arms—onto the bed.

I knew I was being juvenile, and my priorities were all out of whack.

But, people, so were my hormones. Therefore I figured I had a right to cry over a stuck zipper, immobile arms, and oxygen deprivation.

My husband, dear heart, came to my rescue like he always does.

He helped me get out of the blouse and, after gulping air like a stranded fish, I flattened certain aspects of my anatomy and pulled the blouse on again and tugged up the zipper without a fight.

Fluffing my hair and putting on some lipstick, I waltzed into the living room as if I hadn’t almost passed out from a pregnancy wardrobe malfunction five minutes before.

Right then I saw my toddler daughter smack a cup and a toy down on the coffee table and wail, “It won’t fit!”

My husband looked at her and then he looked at me. Grinning, he sighed, “Between you and your mother . . . I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

And here the poor mountain man’s getting another girl in September who, no doubt, is going to be filled with as much drama as her mama. . . . 😉

Publishing News~

Atlanta friends, I’ll be visiting FoxTale Book Shoppe again on June 14th at 1:00 p.m.! I’d so love to meet you!

On June 26th at 7 p.m. CST/8 p.m. EST, I’m hosting a live chat on Facebook. Participants will be entered in a giveaway for a $75 and $25 Visa card, plus copies of The Midwife and The Outcast! More details here.

My vlog post for FamilyFiction, during which I share my favorite scene from The Midwife.

Copy of The Midwife available on my guest post with Writer’s Digest, “How to Overcome the Sophomore Novel Slump: 5 Ways.”

Copy of The Midwife available on bestselling author Leslie Gould’s Facebook author page (open until Tuesday).

Also, The Outcast is going to be published in Dutch! 🙂

That’s it, y’all! Hope you have a wonderful week!