Sweat-Soaked Surrender
In the hundred days since my daughter’s birth, there have been times when the sleep snatched from her perpetually hungry lips is not enough, making it a struggle to apply the balm of her smiles to my exhaustion and not to wish this phase of her life — and my own — away.
After a night proceeding such a day when I sobbed on my husband’s arm along with his pillow, he patted my sweaty back just like I had patted our child’s and came up with a plan: scheduled naptime for an infant whose arch-enemy is sleep.
The next morning at eleven, I watched the video monitor with my chest and jaw clenched tight–waiting for the moment when her arms began flailing followed by the grating lullaby of her screams.
The screams came.
I zipped around the house, dusting and sweeping and checking the monitor attached to my hip like a beeper, but Time dragged its feet like my own were standing still.
11:14:56 a.m. I ran in and leaned over the wooden rail of her crib until my flushed cheek was flush with hers and my hair shielded us like a curtain. I wiped her tears and her mucus and patched her outraged soul with kisses.
But I did not pick her up.
This routine continued for the eternity of an hour, but by the end of it, my daughter had not closed her eyes except to cry. I had done the same.
The next day, I came armed to naptime with a steel will and ear plugs, but this time — after ten minutes of wailing — she sucked her thumb and slept.
The day after, she did not.
The day after that, she did.
There was no pattern to it except for the Cinderella anxiety I always felt when the clock struck eleven, and when my husband came home from work, I sunk into the refuge of his arms and told him that I felt like I was breaking apart.
A few days later, writing and watching other children splash in the park fountain as if christening summer, the revelation struck home. And it struck hard.
My daughter might be spat from her father’s image, but she is just like her mother in that I have also made an arch-enemy of rest.
Time and time again God hedges my to-do list in with circumstances that make it impossible for me to do anything but remain quiet and still. But rather than surrendering, I just fight and I flail, unable to see that what feels like punishment is really for my greater good.
This is when I feel abandoned and wonder if the One who created me is really there, watching all of this transpire, watching over me.
Yet I imagine that He feverishly studies my struggle like I watch my daughter through the monitor, knowing that what feels to me like breaking apart is really just until I stop struggling and learn to rest in Him.
And this — this moment of my sweat-soaked surrender — is when the Lord patches my outraged soul with kisses and ushers me out of my quiet place, allowing me to reenter the world.
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Cecilia Marie Pulliam
Yes, Jolina. Parenting opens a whole new door to our relationship with Our Father. We see Him in the light of a loving parent trying to raise and take care of a rebellious child. It is amazing the insight our own children give us. Blessings to you as you continue your journey as both a parent and a child.
Jolina Petersheim
I believe that we never reach full spiritual maturity until our earthly journey ends. Oh, that it were easier, but the reward in the end will be great!
Lauren Lockhart
Oh my, I think I just went back 11 years and relived a moment of time in Audrey's early life:-) She was horribly attached to pacifiers and would not be consoled without one. I cold turkey got rid of them one day and the hours of screaming that followed were enough to make any mother volunteer to be admitted into the nearest mental facility! What a growing experience it was:-) Thank you for being so transparent with your parenting experiences. I know lots of Mom's are being encouraged and challenged as they read them! Love to you!
Jolina Petersheim
You are one brave mama, Lauren, to go cold turkey on the pacifier. I had a moment myself when I realized that Adelaide was getting so used to having me around all the time that when I left the room, she would start to scream. I LOVE having a little girl who needs me, but I also love spending one-on-one time with Randy and getting together with friends. This scheduled naptime is hard, but she is doing better already. She is actually sleeping right now–praise the Lord! 🙂
Love to you and your brood as well!
Jessica
I can't get Kathryn to sleep very well either. Naps used to be nonexistent while night time was tolerable with her waking up 1 or 2 times to nurse. Now, naps are better although unpredictable but night time is a nightmare! She will sleep about 3 hours straight and then wake every hour because she can't soothe herself. I'm exhausted! I've tried letting her cry but she doesn't stop. I like your point about Addie being like you–resistant to rest. Perhaps I'm staring at the face of that as well. Hope you get some rest!
Jolina Petersheim
My heart goes out to you, Jessica. It is so hard with our firstborns because we fear not “getting it right,” but we are gonna make it through this and our babes will as well! Hope Kathryn learns to love sleep soon for both your sake and her own! XXOO
Erika Robuck
Those God-love lessons and revelations through our children are staggering.
I wish you rest during this stage. It is so hard. And yes, it will pass, but that doesn't make it any easier when you're wading through it.
Hugs to you. xo
Jolina Petersheim
I told my mother-in-law yesterday that having a child is like cramming four years of college into one semester. I have never learned so much — and failed so much — so quickly in my life, but I am hoping my character is getting honed in the process. Plus…this has GOT to be good for writing, right? 😉
cynthiarobertson
That read like a prayer, Jolina. Your struggle to figure out how to deal with your first infant reminded me of my own, so many years ago. You are doing the right thing putting her down for naps. She will eventually become accustomed to them, and even become less fussy (if I remember correctly) because babies need this extra daytime rest. And God knows mommies surely do. haha!
The first 3 months of the first child are the hardest. You're past that hurdle. xo
Jolina Petersheim
I claim it, Cynthia! I am past the hurdle! 🙂
I really do think that Adelaide and I are started to learn each other's rhythm. The three month marker hit me so hard because I thought we would be further ahead than we are where sleep is concerned, but we will get there…one baby step, one second at a time! 🙂
Thank you for your encouragement! Xx
Chris Burke
Beautifully written, Jolina. Naptime was my highest goal in life for a time back then. I had one child, who shall remain nameless, who was an insomnic (day and night). I remember being determined he/she would take an afternoon nap and spending 3 hours listening to screaming to achieve 10 minutes of quiet (sleep? I dare not check). I finally gave up (surrendered?) during toddlerhood on the advice of the pediatrician. You can insist on quiet time but you can't force sleep.
I sure hope you win this battle for your sake.
If you don't, a small consolation is that it is said very intellegent children don't need as much sleep. (A very small consolation, I might add.)
Jolina Petersheim
This cracked me up so much, Chris! It was Kelly, wasn't it?! That sweet-mannered woman with an inner night owl! 🙂
Adelaide has taken TWO naps today. Wellllll, the first one was more like a few seconds of quiet followed by those hiccuping sobs that rip my heart out and run it through the garbage disposal, but now she looks like a sleeping cherub!
I will take it!
Kalen - Kentucky Cupcake
Don't give up just yet.
Jolina Petersheim
Thank you, dear fellow mama. I won't!
Melissa Crytzer Fry
So beautifully written – even in your sleep-deprived state, you poor thing. I love your words, woman: “…patched her outraged soul with kisses…” Gorgeous.
Jolina Petersheim
I think I might right better on less sleep. Ya know, your subconscious has to take over because your mind is bobbing in exhaustion. Perhaps I could market sleep-deprivation to the writing masses! 🙂
Seriously, though, I appreciate your kind words. Xx
Julia Munroe Martin
So lovely, Jolina! And I remember too well those sleep-deprived nights. I am lucky in that I function well (and somewhat easily) on low sleep, but my poor husband was, okay still is, in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation!
Jolina Petersheim
I do think my husband suffers as much as I do, bless his heart, and he has to head off to work at about 7:30 every morning while I can stumble around for an hour until I get my bearings. We will get through this, though, and I keep playing your words in my head that I will soon so miss this time once it is gone! Hugs to you and MEH!