Behind the Mask
Pride, my deleterious sidekick.
I wanted to be thought of as the little mama who cranked out chapters while nursing her child and spit-polishing the house. I wanted to be thought of as the wife who cooked gourmet dinners that greeted her husband at the door like a kiss.
I wanted to do it all, or at least portray that I could.
But sometimes I can’t.
The baby thrashes me raw. The page flat-lines as the cursor pulses. The chicken thighs splatter the inside of the oven and plumes the house with smoke that chokes my husband as he swats his way inside the door.
Yet what do I have to gain from smoke-screen perfection? When we continue to hide behind our charred guises, we never reveal our true faces and we never let others truly in.
But when we reply, Yes, I do sometimes struggle; yes, I do sometimes fail, we unveil our beautiful, fallible imperfection, and others find the courage to unveil their own. Only in that joint vulnerability, can we help each other pursue grace.
So, I’d like to thank that dear friend who peeked behind my mask to make sure that what lay behind it matched the outside.
It does, but I am learning that it is all right if it doesn’t. And it is all right if when it doesn’t, I don’t wear a mask at all.
Dear fellow smoke-screen perfector, do you wear a mask? If so, when will you lower yours?
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Julia Munroe Martin
I was just thinking about this very thing this morning. It's so hard to admit — even to ourselves — that we struggle and fail. To others? Especially online friends who might never know the difference? It's nearly impossible for me to lower the mask, which I absolutely do wear, I'll admit it. As for when I will lower it? Bit by bit and very slowly my mask is coming down. As for all you're trying to do? It's a lot. Babies are so wonderful but take a lot of time and focused attention and to raise babies while writing (and making gourmet meals) can be daunting. Here's to the courage I'm getting from you to lower my own mask…
Jolina Petersheim
So beautiful of you to admit that you're a fellow mask-wearer, Julia. Social media seems to just add the layers to those masks since no one, as you said, will ever know the difference. But true relationships can be made via this tangled web if we will just be true to ourselves and to each other. Thank you for being “true” today! Xx
Melissa Crytzer Fry
We're all mask-wearers, truth be told. And you've brought to light such truth about social media and its impersonal nature sometimes sending inappropriate or misconstrued messages.
This was so beautifully written, Jolina – and so poetic. I especially loved these lines:
“But when we reply, Yes, I do sometimes struggle; yes, I do sometimes fail, we unveil our beautiful, fallible imperfection, and others find the courage to unveil their own. Only in that joint vulnerability, can we help each other pursue grace.”
Jolina Petersheim
Sometimes when I'm scrolling through Twitter, I wonder what emotions are truly behind those chipper avatars. Glad you enjoyed the post, and thank you for your kind words. Love ya.
cynthiarobertson
I agree with Melissa and Julia, we all try to put a happy face on our tougher life situations at times. (And first babies can be such a challenge!) It's natural, especially with those of us who have such high expectations of ourselves. We want to be perfect wives, perfect mothers, perfect friends. Some of this comes from a fear of disapointing others. But it's all our own really, and I love that you own it here, Jolina. That's so brave! It can be tough to admit we are overwhelmed and that our life is only imperfectly perfect.
Nicely done.
Jolina Petersheim
“Imperfectly perfect.” Maybe I'll strive to make that my new perfectionism, but then I guess that would take me right back to where I began: Trying to overcome striving with grace.
Lauren Lockhart
Oh the layers were peeled with this post:-) *I'm talking about mine:-)* I think there is a mask worn with every baby and more so as each one joins the family. Sometimes I think the mask gets put on because it is what the mother feels like everyone wants her to wear! I've had post-partum depression twice due to chemical imbalances that were birth-stress induced. Thank you for writing so frankly. You always give me courage!
Jolina Petersheim
Giving others courage is what life should be about, so I am incredibly grateful it did, Lauren. My sister-in-law said something one day that has been my mantra during times when Adelaide is fussy or it's just been a hard day: “My life for yours; my life for yours.” It is so incredibly beautiful to think of a mother's sacrifice in that light, and to realize how much more of a sacrifice was made for us by a Man who was far greater than us.
Diane Hughes
Even when I address difficult or unpleasant topics on my blog, I always try to frame it in a positive perspective at the end. I think it allows the mask to slip just enough while also offering hope that I/we can find a way through our troubles. For bloggers, I think it's that vulnerability we reveal at times that draws people in — just like this post! It allows us to experience that “joint vulnerability,” as you called it. We know we're not alone and that others have the same struggles.
Thanks for taking off the mask, Jolina.
Jolina Petersheim
You're welcome, Diane, and thank you for visiting! I always enjoy meeting someone who tries to look at difficult situations with a positive perspective.
Cecilia Marie Pulliam
Letting go of our masks is tough. It took a lot of years before I decided I didn't need to be perfect, didn't need to do it all. It was okay to pick and choose, and most importantly, ask for help. Still have occasional relapses, but generally much better. However, now I can use age as an excuse….:)
Jolina Petersheim
Yes, since Adelaide's birth I am slowly but surely learning that delegation is the key! Once again, my pride made me want to think that I could still do it all, but it's okay if I can't, and it's okay if I ask for help to get it all done. The beauty is that one day I will be able to help others who are new parents, too. 🙂
makeuplover12
I wear my mask with pride! It's horrible. I want to please everyone but deep down inside I hurt! I'm tired and I sometimes just want to give up! Brand new baby makes me feel like a cow because all she wants to do is eat husband drains me because he's so demanding but I love them do much I just want to make them happy! All the while I suffer so I wake up in the morning and put my mask on and only take it off at night when I go to sleep.
We will always be mask wearers no matter how hard we try. Thanks for being the first to admit it!
Jolina Petersheim
Aw, sweetie, do you have someone who can help you? I've found that even taking a walk helps to clear the mind and restore my perspective. If you are constantly pouring out (which you are, as a new mommy and wife), you need to make sure that you get filled up. Take time for yourself, even if it's as simple as a bubble bath or a trip to the store. Hugs to you during this difficult stage. You're not alone. Xx