It’s About Pursuit, Not About Perfection

It’s About Pursuit, Not About Perfection

“Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 3:12

A novel typically has a sixty-day launch window. Knowing How the Light Gets In’s window was closing fast, combined with the restlessness of being at home with a sick toddler on a rainy day, made me try to control a publishing situation that was beyond my control.

I try to control when I lose sight of my identity. When I lose sight of my identity, my other senses grow duller, too, causing me not to hear that still, small voice.

Because I didn’t see or hear, I shared something to my private Facebook page I shouldn’t have shared, and this set off a chain-reaction that taught me a lesson I pray I never have to relearn.

That night, when I saw what someone had posted in response, I thought it was a joke. Then I realized it was real.

Very real.

My husband and I got the girls to bed, and he and I sat at the kitchen table. The same kitchen table where I write my novels, serve our meals, wipe up crumbs and splashes of my eldest daughter’s watercolor paint.

We sat there, and we talked about what had happened. I leaned forward until my forehead touched the wood.

“Let’s just scrap everything and go to Africa.”

This is my default response to any hardship, which is ironic considering how hard it would be to take three young children to Africa.

But in that moment, tears flowing, vulnerability no longer felt safe. Scrapping it all felt easier than enduring. Scrapping it all felt easier than admitting I’d made a mistake.

My husband is the best person to talk to when cleaning up a sticky situation. He is my fiercest defender, and yet he can still provide an unbiased point of view.

He said, “Do you think when you stand before God, He’s going to say, ‘You wrote a great book!’?”

I shook my head and cried. Striving for success had taken my eyes off my identity; therefore, I was blinded to my desire to treat each person as if they are worthy of that identifying love.

I wailed, “I thought I had it figured out!”

“We’re never going to figure everything out. We’re never going to know who we really are until we see Him face to face.”

Later that night, after my husband had gone to bed, a phrase came to me; that still, small voice returning because my gaze had once again shifted back to Love:

“It’s about pursuit, not about perfection.”

As a selective perfectionist (I’m not a perfectionist when it comes to recipes and organization), it gutted me to realize I had messed up. But it also gutted me to realize that my identity was so wrapped up in my author status that a person I had never met could bring me to tears.

I love how God provides me with images before they fully make sense.

Two weeks ago, a tree fell over down by our creek because the water kept washing away the dirt protecting the root system.

For the past two years, I have chosen words connected with trees.

In 2018, my word was grounded.

This year, my word is evergreen.

I have had an image of my roots being woven deep into the soil of God’s Word, sucking up nutrients so the core of who I am can stand strong regardless of the elements, spreading out my branches to offer shade and fruit to offer sustenance.

I want to be grounded in my identity of God’s perfect love. I want to be evergreen regardless of the season. I don’t want to be like that tree down by our creek, its new spring leaves withering because it toppled over when the waters rose.

Christianity is about pursuing Jesus’ heart, not about perfection.

When we are busy pursuing Him, we are not blinded by our own ambition, and our eyes instead remain focused on the power of His perfect love.

How are you going to pursue Jesus’ heart this week?

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Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash