Parenting Ain’t For Sissies
I watched the oven clock while washing dishes; my pregnant belly so big that I had to lean forward to reach the sink.
It’d been an entire hour since my two-year-old made it clear that she preferred sitting on the Time Out chair rather than apologizing for hitting me. I am not accustomed to strong-willed children. My firstborn is extremely dramatic and dependent, and yet she crumbles at the first hint of discipline.
My second-born’s personality is an entirely different composition, and in that moment, I didn’t feel like I had the tools to raise both girls.
Another hour passed with our toddler on the Time Out chair. Over and over, my husband would lead our tow-headed princess across the living room into the kitchen. I would kneel down and look into her eyes, beseeching her to say those two magic words, “I’m sorry,” which could buy her her freedom—and ours.
And, over and over, she refused.
My husband came over to me and quietly said, “We have to win. Things like this are going to happen, and we just have to win.”
Though I am determined, I am not strong-willed. My personality is more like my eldest daughter’s. Throughout my life, I have been called a peacemaker, but, in reality, I just want the tension to go away so everything can go back to normal. And I wanted the tension to go away. I wanted to read Little House in the Big Woods to my daughters while they happily played in the bathtub. Instead, we were in a fierce battle of wills with a child who weighed less than thirty pounds.
The minutes ticked by. My eyes burned and jaw hurt, since I really just wanted to sob.
Ten minutes before bedtime, my two-year-old and my husband came over. My two-year-old’s face was red from crying. She finally said, “I’m sorry, Mama,” and I about lost it. I knelt and hugged her tight, wiping her tears and her snot and trembling at this incredible responsibility of parenthood and how inadequate I often feel.
Afterward, we got our two-year-old in her pajamas and gave her blueberries and milk. She was just as happy as can be, legs swinging in the chair, while I felt like packing my bags and heading straight to the Turks and Caicos.
Instead, I did the next best thing, which was to steam mop the floor. We’d spent the previous night and day with my sister-in-law’s and brother-in-law’s seven children, and they were all so respectful and well-behaved.
What were they doing that we were not?
My husband came out from our girls’ bedroom to talk to me. I shut off the hissing steam mop and wiped my face and my nose that was dripping quite attractively. I wailed, “What are we doing, bringing a newborn into this stage of our lives?!”
He didn’t have any answers, and I was so exhausted by this point that, though it was barely 9 o’clock, I decided just to leave the laundry on the couch and go to bed.
At church the next morning, our five-year-old stood between me and my husband, holding both of our hands and swaying to the worship music.
I poked my husband, and he looked over. I nudged my chin at our five-year-old, who was singing, “Your love never fails.” Our eyes met, and we smiled.
Yes, parenthood often makes us feel like failures, but there is One whose love will never fail, and we can trust that He will cover the areas where our love falls short.
Do you ever feel inadequate as a parent? If so, how do you overcome it?
Also, on another note, my publisher’s giving away 15 copies of The Alliance and 15 copies of The Divide on Goodreads, so sign up while you can! 🙂
https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/232740-the-alliance
https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/enter_choose_address/232736-the-divide
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Rebekah
Boy, do I know that shaky-legged “Iiii-iitt’s o-ov-ver” sob-laugh. Five of our kids have cast-iron skillet wills. Our second and seventh…whew.
Woohoo! You won! Praise the Lord! You won! It seems so small now, but that’s a bigger triumph than the best NYTimes best-seller.
Correct them, and they really will give you rest one day. I couldn’t write today if I’d wimped out in those stare-downs. Those tough kids are the ones I trust the most now, because they’ve proven they’re on my side. And when Daddy and Mama are happy…
Not that they quit testing you. They just give in much more easily with each successive contest.
Listen to me. Acting like a big fat know-it-all. And here I’ve only started the prologue of the teenage years…da da da DUM. 😀
Rebekah
PS – What’s so funny is the other day, our second came to me to tell me how wild the seventh was being while he was trying to read to him. It was glorious. Remembering.
jolina
I’m not sure I would’ve been able to hold out if Randy hadn’t been there. I am too much of a pushover in many ways, but I have to keep my eyes fixed on the long-term goals. And, oh, boy! I’m glad you’re going to be plowing through those teenage years first! 😉
Katie Donovan
Oh, I feel for you! I have one of those iron-willed ones, and it is so hard sometimes. I have a very dear friend who told me way back in the beginning, “Remember, she really doesn’t want to win–all evidence to the contrary! You have to win, for you and for her, because that will ultimately give her the greatest sense of security.” And even though Miss Iron-will is only nine now, I can already see the truth in this. She still pushes and holds out for an inordinate amount of time, making life so very painful at times, but now that she’s older I can see how relieved she is in the end when we win and she is reconciled to us and to God. She’s one of those children who needs lessons to be repeated over and over again for them to sink in (in all areas of life, not just behaviour), and in the heat of the moment she just isn’t able to see beyond herself. But she’s amazingly perceptive about her behaviour (and the way we handle it) after the fact.
I’m rambling now, but all I wanted to say is, you’re right. Parenting isn’t for sissies! But know that you are not alone. I relied so much on Philippians 4:13 when all of mine were still littles: I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. That includes parenting iron-willed children. <3
jolina
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, Katie! I believe Philippians 4:13 is going to become my new life verse! We can do it, Mama! 😀
Nann
… Oh dear Jolina … the love at the core of your parenting just radiates off of the page! As parents/Moms, we can always think of times we wish we’d acted differently; had done better. Our children, no matter how small, are truly little people with their own thoughts & wills. It’s so easy to wonder what we’re doing wrong when they act contrary. Your little sweetheart was trying-on life like a jacket, seeing how it fit. She slipped her arms into sleeves that are still too big for her right now and just flailed around a bit.
… Your loving family allowed her to feel her power … to see the impact her actions have on others and to feel badly inside herself about it all … and to have a clear connection between actions and consequences. As parents, your acts could not have been more perfect.
… I say all of this now, as mine are all grown and we can talk ‘n laugh and I can listen to what they were thinking back then, when they slipped in ‘n out of trying on their lives like the clothes they would eventually wear as adults. But at the time, I felt those same self-doubts, tears and fears as you. I wonder why it is that we can lovingly forgive our children, even before their “I’s sorry’s” are uttered … but have such a difficult time forgiving ourselves for not being “perfect”? I will always be puzzled in this … and continue to smile as you share the love & joy of your family.
jolina
Oh, it is so wonderful to receive advice and encouragement from those who have come out the other side of parenting. Thank you for blessing me today, Nann. I am going to keep that analogy of children trying on clothes in mind the next time Miss M “flails” around. 😉