You Know You’re Taking Advantage of Your Pregnancy When . . .
You preface every chore around the house with a sign and “I would do it, Honey, but you know . . .” and point to your stomach and shrug.
You stuff your shirt with a pillow so no one looks twice when you (and your six-week-pregnant belly) waddle from your car parked in a towing zone.
At 9:00 p.m. you send your husband out for an aus jus sub from a deli across town because the baby needs protein.
You claim your unborn baby is allergic to anything not made with organic cotton so Aunt Mildred’s not offended when you return her gift of a pink polka-dotted onesie . . . for your son.
You start carrying Mace at five months so you can blast the next person who lays a finger on your belly.
The smell of laundry detergent and/or dish washing soap conveniently makes you nauseous whenever someone with opposable thumbs is around.
You ask your husband if you are showing and when he replies that you are, you look over your shoulder and stare him down like he’s just uttered the grossest profanity.
You blame any obvious gastric expulsions on the baby whose digestive system is the size of a lentil.
If you and your husband are having a disagreement, you splay your hands protectively over your stomach and say, “Don’t worry, Baby. Daddy really loves Mommy.”
You walk around Sam’s Club from 12-3 on Sunday afternoons with your hands on your lower back and your belly thrust out so you can get first dibs on the food samples.
You stop shaving your armpits at two months pregnant because you claim you can’t reach them.
Your husband is so used to calling in Chinese food at midnight that he has Won Ton’s on speed dial.
You carry a gallon of water around during Black Friday so you can pour it all over the concrete and scream, “My water just broke!” right as sales personnel are opening their doors.
You make gagging noises while in the bathroom so that your husband thinks you are still having morning sickness into the third trimester and will take pity on you.
When standing in line for the salad bar, you use your stomach as a battering ram so a little old lady doesn’t get her paws on the fresh batch of rye croutons.
You make sure to eat your weight in salt, then place your swollen feet in your husband’s lap and throw some lotion at him.
You extend the need for maternity clothes into the Macy’s shoe aisle, purchasing six new pairs of strappy heels you claim will perfectly coordinate with your muumuu-style smocks.
On a road trip all your bathroom breaks are mysteriously synchronized with exit signs for Baskin Robbins.
Whenever the theme music for Monday night football can be heard from the den, you waddle in and say that baby really needs father/daughter or father/son time. This will often include rereading all your old love letters while gazing into each other’s eyes or a backrub for Mommy while telling her how beautiful she is.
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Lili Tufel
LOL … super funny.
Anonymous
Jolina,
This is so funny, but i think what makes it even more funny is the fact that I know you have already done half of these things!! lol Poor Randy has a long road ahead of him! Love you Girl!
Savannah L
Jolina Petersheim
Glad you enjoyed it, Lili!
Jolina Petersheim
Savannah Lamb, I have no idea what you're talking about! 😉
Julia Munroe Martin
Very very funny! It's been a little while since I was able to take advantage of these…. I mean since I experienced these symptoms, but I can still relate! Great list! 😀
Natalia Gortova
The black friday one was my fave. Priceless!
Melissa Crytzer Fry
I was busting out laughing at most of these. You thought this ALL up yourself, huh? Do we see this kind of humor in your fiction? Trying to determine my favorites… Maybe the “obvious gastric expulsions” and the “Baskin Robbins” stops. Tee hee. Randy is going to be happy when the baby gets here!
And did I infer correctly that you know you are having a boy?!?!?
leahsthoughts.com
Ah yes, all these ring so true! It's amazing what pregnancy will allow us to do and get away with. Although I do remember once my daughter arrived, all bets were off. So enjoy every moment while you can.
ninabadzin.com
Ha! So cute, Jolina!
wosushi
I especially like using it as an excuse not to shave your armpits. Ha!
Fallible Me
LOVES! Congrats gorgeous!! I can't wait to meet her!
Fallible Me
LOVES! Congrats gorgeous!! I can't wait to meet her!
Jolina Petersheim
Oh, you're quite funny, Julia! I'm sure we've all taken advantage of this list at one time or another. Not that I'm ever gonna tell….
Jolina Petersheim
Thanks, Natalia! I think that is my favorite, too. I could just imagine it happening, and — honestly — I could imagine myself doing it!
Jolina Petersheim
I did make all of these up, Melissa. We were on our way back from PA, and it sure helped to pass the time while crunched all up in that car!And we're having a baby girl, not boy. For a LONG time I thought it was a boy, but now she's surprised us. I can't wait to see her sweet face!
Jolina Petersheim
I'll be sure to take advantage of this then, Leah. It's been nice to have that little extra TLC, I'll admit that! 😉
Jolina Petersheim
Glad you liked it, Nina!
Jolina Petersheim
Hey there, Wosushi. I thought about using the legs, but I thought armpits were better since we'd have no trouble reaching those! 😉
Jolina Petersheim
I LOVE it, too, Paige! And I'll be sure to bring her along to a Dutch Lunch. Wouldn't that be wild?! 🙂
erikarobuck
So funny! So cute!! Best wishes!!
Jolina Petersheim
Thanks, Erika!
Hallie Sawyer
Congrats on the wonderful baby girl news! And love the list! Some of those look a tad familiar. 🙂
Jolina Petersheim
Thanks, Hallie. We're very excited to meet our baby girl!